8 Party Tips for the Greatest, All Best Inauguration Ever

A party planner chimes in on how to kick off your next autocrat era.

Your guests will love the U.S. Capitol event venue for its historic vibes, the the scalability of its walls, and of course its tradition of whiteness.

So you’ve been elected President of these United States! Let the inaugural party planning begin. Whether you’re working alone, with your minions, or with a few space-obsessed billionaires, making the right choices can guide the celebration and set the tone for your next autocrat era.

1. Choose a date

Grab the confetti because your date coincides with a federal holiday whose spirit is completely at odds with your world-view! This is a gift and an opportunity to align yourself (again) with the truly greats, who pulled off all those sexy crowds – who did, you know, whatever, and stood for, you know, who cares?

2. Select a theme

As a master of spectacle, the ace of conservative base, the carnival ringleader always looking for the next great tent, you know how to give them the ole razzle dazzle. It’s time to re-invent what people understand when they hear the theme “Our Enduring Democracy: A Constitutional Promise.” Hyperbole, hegemony, hagiography – as every English teacher reminds us, use a big word three times and you own it.

3. Plan your guest list

Conversation schmonversation. Invite your HENCHMEN. Give us your incels, your billionaires, your conservative wellness warriors yearning to ban vaccines. There will be a few must-invites for optics, for sure, but instruct the cameras to cut, whenever possible, to the Melania Doll you picked up for a song on Temu.

4. Select the entertainment

If you’ve done your work, you’ll already have a list of go-to performers desperate for a stage. Go light on the women (one blond suffices), bring back a few aging music icons clinging to past relevance, and don’t forget the disco-era retirement home regulars. You are the oldest person ever elected to the nation’s highest office and you deserve to curate the playlist.

5. Decorate

So sorry, but those flags you love will be at half-mast. But never forget that best parties are about delighting others. You can whisper to your guests as they arrive that flags at half mast are a new MAGA dog whistle. America is 245 years old, and half of that is 122.5 years, and 122.5 years ago it was 1903, the year the book The Clansman (a historical romance of the KKK by Thomas Dixon) came out. You know, the one that inspired the racist part of The Birth of a Nation. Your people love to connect the dots and will go crazy for this!

6. Create a schedule

Ideally, someone else is doing this for you, but make it all flow and keep in mind it’s the little touches that count. Instruct your team to find little ways to honor insurrection and your history of assault. Jail break party hats? Chocolate handcuff party favors? Make a few bribes here and there just to break up the day. Look for little openings to show them what you value or believe most deeply. You can’t write “conviction” without “convict.”

7. Choose a venue

It’s okay to lean traditional here. Distract them with what they know so you can surprise them with what’s coming.

8. Pen a few words

You know words. You have the best words. We know speaking extemporaneously is your true calling – weave this, and outsider that. For your first inauguration, you called on inspiration from the Hunger Games, pitting wealthy government workers in the Capitol against the downtrodden of America. You took down the real villains – public school systems “flush with cash” – and laid out a grand vision for a new nation of winners. What will your next and surely not final inaugural speech portend? Forget the address. Toast yourself.